45: One year with Charlie

My hair has never been more gray.

My jokes have never been more corny.

My heart has never been more full.

Dear Charlie-

Getting to be your dad this year has been the greatest privilege of my life. Your birthday party made me think back to a year ago when I didn’t know a love like this could really exist. The truth is, before you were born I struggled to imagine what life would be like with you. Today, I can’t imagine life without you.

Let me paint the scene on November 3rd, 2018. As I nervously paced the delivery room sweating like Shaq on the foul line and chugging my third Ginger Ale to settle the swarm of lantern flies in my stomach, there were still so many unknowns. Would the baby be healthy? What would he or she be like? How do I hold one of these things? What’s the protocol for feeding or diapering or sleeping or keeping them alive and well? How will my life change? Will I be ready? I paused and thought to myself in between Canada Dry sips, Jordan is a champ right now, at least she seems like she know what do do. Wait, does Jordan know what she’s doing? Please Lord, let Jordan know what she’s doing! Then the doctor said, “It’s time to have this baby!” Uh oh. This is real. More sweat. More Ginger Ale. “Kevin, put down the damn soda and squeeze my hand!!!” Oh God. Gulp. Here we go. What is that?! Wait, is that?! It’s a girl! I’m a Dad. She’s beautiful! This is amazing. Let’s call her Charlotte James Janiec. Little Charlie bear. Deep breath. Ummm, Now can someone please tell me what I’m supposed to do?!

While that’s an abbreviated version from my eyes of the moments you entered this world, I just remember that I had no clue what to do or expect. I remember how nervous I was to hold you for the first time. Fast forward to today, when we were wrestling, playing, and stumbling all over your room. And I remember those first few nights when I didn’t know if we’d ever reach the morning with this nocturnal baby. Today, I couldn’t wait until morning, so we could hang out again. I remember a year ago, when you were wrapped in a swaddle and a little pink hat. Today, you were a big girl dressed up as an Eagles cheerleader to root for your team. And I remember in the NICU when you were briefly covered in tubes and wires. Today, you were covered in smash cake. A year ago you had 30 people eager to meet you at the Hospital. Today, you had 30 people who love you and were eager to celebrate you at our house. A year ago, you had the best mom in the world. Today, you still have the best mom in the world!

It’s crazy how fast it’s gone by. I look back at the pictures and am amazed by how much you’ve grown and changed over the last year. But maybe what I notice more, is how much you’ve changed me.

Every day with you fills me up with more joy and meaning than anything else in the world. Your morning greetings when Mom and I come upstairs to get you ready for school gets me excited to take on every day. When we play with your toys or you make your classic facial expressions at breakfast, you bring out a laugh that I didn’t know I had in me. When I drop you off at Daycare and realize “Char-Char” is a Chesterbrook Academy celebrity, you bring me a sense of pride that I’ve never felt before. When I walk into the house after a long day at work, and you squeak and squeal and waddle over to me to give me a big hug, you make home feel like the best place on earth. When you throw your food on the floor at dinner, you make me look like a less sloppy eater. When you make bath time seem like the best form of entertainment, you make me appreciate the little things in life. When we snuggle with your bottle and put you to bed and you rub your eyes on my lap and twirl your hair, you bring me a sense of peace and for that moment make everything feel alright in the world.

You’re a special little girl, you’ve grown up fast, and some would even say you got SOOOO BIGGGG this year. You have new teeth and longer hair. You learned how to walk and you show more of your personality every day! But I’ll argue that because of you and your mom, I’ve grown more. In fact, I may even have to call a Cardiologist because my heart has grown 10 sizes this year.

You have changed my life, helped make me who I am, and you are the thing I most look forward to. You have special friends and family that will always be here for you, even if you napped during half of your birthday party. For everything you’ve meant to us this year, I guess a little cake and an Eagles party was the least we could do to say Happy Birthday!

I love you little Bear. Your mom and I are so proud of you!

Love,

Dad