March 2020: A lesson from Africa

A few weeks ago, I traveled to South Africa with 22 Villanova MBA classmates and faculty for our Global Practicum Capstone. The Capstone course puts business students in a brief study abroad program so we can see culture, industry, and history from a different angle. The immersive experience intends to be as entertaining as it is educational, and serves as the exclamation point at the end of our graduate program. And I will confidently say, it was all that and more.

I will forever cherish the memories I made in Johannesburg and Cape Town. The safari, the sunset cruise, the Apartheid Museum, mentoring Soweto’s entrepreneurs, the Thokozani winery, the top of Table Mountain, the Cape of Good Hope, brunch in Camps Bay, the good times back at Riffs, the bongos in DeWaal Park, and of course nights out on both Bree and Long Street were all incredible. And I will also always have a special place in my heart for all the new friends that I got to experience this adventure with.

But as I sit here quarantined at home with the world turned upside down from Covid-19, I’m realizing the lessons we learned from the kids in Kliptown and the cookies in Khayelitsha were far more important than any of the fun that we had along the way. We learned lessons of gratitude, joy, community, and hope. We witnessed the purest examples that life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain. And I hope the following lessons also ring true for you as we get through this unprecedented time together.

After a rainy morning in Johannesberg, we walked around muddy puddles and loose garbage on the path into Kliptown. To my left, there were dangerous homemade wires connecting the electricity from a nearby train platform to parts of the community. To my right, there were tiny tin shacks with scrap metal roofs. Behind me stood a rusty public tap that provided scarce running water to the crowded town. Next to the tap, sat an old porta-potty that served as the daily bathroom for 15 to 20 families. But right there ahead of me was a group of young people that I’ll never forget.

Despite all of the despair that appeared to surround us, I saw smiles everywhere. As the kids from the Kliptown Youth Program* lined up for a hot after school meal of chicken and rice, I was greeted by each of my new friends with a warm “Sawubona” (Zulu for “I see you”) and an occasional high five or fist bump. When I walked into a classroom of 6 and 7 year olds doing their homework, I was quickly swarmed by the adorable students excited to show off their reading skills or the butterfly that they just colored. I saw young girls and boys fully engaged with assignments and projects in the new computer lab. And to cap off our visit, as a token of gratitude, several teenage boys from Kliptown’s renowned “Gumboots Dance Group” made the crowd go wild with an amazing and enthusiastic “step and stomp” performance.

We left Kliptown that day excited, inspired, and honestly a little confused. How could a group living under such conditions show so much gratitude, express so much joy, and inspire so much hope? It came down to the shared values and commitment of the community. Within the Youth Program, they “Ubuntu” or stand together, look out for each other, celebrate each other, and lift each other up despite scarce resources and constant setbacks. Part of this community approach is driven by hope for a better future, but most of it’s because they frankly have no other choice.

Days later, at a factory outside of Cape Town, I chomped on a delicious Choco Chunk Khayelitsha Cookie** and sipped on a hot coffee. We watched dozens of talented and spirited women in color coded uniforms work on an assembly line in a rhythmic process to produce delicious baked goods at an impressive rate of speed. As MBAs, we quickly saw an opportunity for automation to enhance efficiencies on the line and produce 40x what they can do by hand. But that’s not what this business was about. We listened to Adri Williams tell us about the purpose and dream behind her growing company: to employ and empower thousands of previously unemployed women in the impoverished Khayelitsha community. Adri painted a picture of her employees’ dire living conditions and the challenge and pressure of running a sustainable business that these women depend on to provide the basic needs for their families. Adri makes the hard choices every day to compromise traditional measures of fortune in pursuit of a deeper impact. As we listened to Adri’s story and later had the chance to bake a few cookies alongside the women, we left Khayelitsha that day excited, inspired, and once again a little confused.

How could a group living under such conditions show so much gratitude, express so much joy, and inspire so much hope? It came down to the shared values and commitment of the community. Within the Khayelitsha Cookie factory, the women take care of each other, look out for each other, celebrate each other, and lift each other up despite scarce resources and constant setbacks. Part of this community approach is driven by hope for a better tomorrow, but most of it’s because they frankly have no other choice.

And now we find ourselves here. Day 8 of quarantine from Covid-19 in our own adverse conditions- obviously not Kliptown/Khayelitsha level- but certainly more than we’re used to. More than ever, we must take care of each other, look out for each other, celebrate each other, and lift each other up despite scarce resources and potential setbacks. We must take the lessons from the kids of Kliptown and the women of Khayelitsha and find it within ourselves to express gratitude, find joy, and embrace our community. In this period of uncertainty, I’m hopeful we’ll see a better tomorrow, but right now, we have no other choice. Living with these values is the only way we get through this together as family members, friends, neighbors, classmates, coworkers, Americans, and global citizens. After all, life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain. So let’s keep dancing, just like they do in Africa.

Sawubona, friends. I see you, Im grateful for you, and I’m thinking of you. Ubuntu…we stand together. Stay healthy and keep in touch.

Continue reading “March 2020: A lesson from Africa”

February 2020: Mamba Mentality

When the chopper fell into the hill, my heart fell inside my chest

I couldn’t fathom that our generation’s best would be laid down to rest

It was one of those JFK days, you won’t forget where you were

I turned on ESPN, and the rest of the day was a blur

5 rings, 2 golds, 41 years of a legend

Gone with 8 others in 1 tragic second

For days, the news consumed all my attention

I consumed podcasts, videos and read every mention

Loving parents and kids, players and teachers

With so much to accomplish beyond just the bleachers

And I can’t stop looking at the photo of Kobe and G

Just a “Girl dad” and his daughter like Charlie and me

It felt like a bad dream, didn’t seem like reality

I struggle to find the reason “Why?” for all the fatalities

But the silver lining for me, is in his legacy. He leaves us with a model of the Mamba Mentality.

It’s so disappointing that Kobe wont apply his untapped potential

But the lessons that he leaves behind are more than essential

For example, as I watched the tributes and the songs and the speeches

One particular quote that Kobe said reached me the deepest:

He said:

“You have to dance beautifully in the box that you’re comfortable dancing in. My box was to be extremely ambitious within the sport of basketball. Your box is different than mine. Everybody has their own. It’s your job to try to perfect it and make it as beautiful of a canvas as you can make it. And if you have done that, then you have lived a successful life. You have lived with Mamba Mentality.”

Being honest, nobody is Kobe on the court, except maybe LeBron is or Giannis

But us mortals must have our own “box” and a purpose beyond this

My box is family, friends, and my people in life

I strive to bring them joy, meaning, and growth all day and every night

This box is the arena in which I find my inner Mamba

Because I can’t quite touch the rim, but I know where to put the commas.

And while Kobe strived to get better every day to keep up with Mike Jordan

I strive to get better every day to just to keep up with “My Jordan.”

And if I don’t shoot jumpers at 3 am, it don’t mean I’m not trying

You’d better believe I’m up at 3, if my little girl’s crying

And when I’m with my crew, I always plan to bring it

If Uptown Funk’s on I’m dancing, when Semi Charmed’s on, I’ll sing it

And in my job, when I’m rejected and advisors won’t call me back

I “dial” back in like Fisher, Kobe, and Shaq

And in between work and class, I’m always learning and reading

Kobe beat Reggie and Pierce, but “Who I was yesterday” is who I’m defeating

So whether or not you once played competitive sports

You should always live like there’s a scoreboard and you’re on Center Court

My scoreboard is my people and how I make them all feel

These are the lessons from Kobe’s legacy that I plan to steal

In fact, these lessons help me reach farther for I don’t know when time expires

Kobe reminds me to always push harder and aim a bit higher

So what’s your canvas? What excellence are you pursuing?

Always strive to “Mamba” the most important things you’re doing

January 2020: Feeling right at home

I don’t recommend taking a 1 year old on a cross country flight just for the hell of it. There’s something about sitting still and staying quiet that doesn’t work well with toddlers on crowded planes. But depending on what’s waiting for you at your destination, the trip might be worth it.

The truth is, sometimes you just have to go farther away to feel closer to home. And “Home” for me can be wherever I feel joy, love, and comfort. So if I can find that for a week in some place 40 degrees warmer, I’ll take the deal. In fact, I can feel “home” whether it’s a long walk on Meadowbrook Lane or a quick hike in Malibu, Hollywood, La Jolla, or Laguna. I can feel “home” hitting the volleyball around at West Goshen Park, or on the sunny Santa Monica sand. I can feel “home” whether it’s a fun evening in West Chester or a night out at the Staples Center and San Diego Shout House. And a “home” cooked meal can be served at my own kitchen table, or with cocktails at Malibu Farm, Fig, or Dukes.

All that matters is the people I’m with, the conversations I’m having, and the feelings I’m feeling.

Casey and Mikey- After visiting you, I feel like I know you better as people, love you more as a couple, and appreciate you more as fantastic hosts. Thank you for the entertainment and all of the hospitality!

Jordan- thank you for bringing “home” along with us. You skillfully helped Charlie and I get through all of the flights, activities, and meals without a hiccup. You keep my heart as full as you keep that diaper bag. And even as I get better at this dad thing, you’re always three steps ahead of me.

Charlie- the trip felt most like home because we got to make all of these memories and experience all of these adventures with a 25 pound little bear in pig tails. Whether you were strapped to my chest, waddling around my ankles, playing on our laps, eating in your high chair, or sleeping in your pack and play, you didn’t slow us down at all. It was only a few days, but it felt like we flew to LAX with a baby, and came back to PHL with a little kid.

So as the pilot announces our descent into Philadelphia, and asks us to put our trey tables up and seat-backs in an upright position, I’m thinking about the week we just had. I think back to the conversations I had with Mikey about life, ambition, and fulfillment. I think about Aunt Kiki (Casey) making Charlie giggle in her car seat as she played peekaboo and whispered “secrets.” I think about the 5 am daily breakfast we had because Charlie kept the entire apartment on Eastern Standard Time. I think about how steep those trails felt with Cheerio-filled Charlie strapped to my chest. I think about Jordan and Charlie, just two blonde California girls walking hand in hand down the pier with the Ocean to one side and Mountains to the other. I think about how great it was to meet up with Gina and Melissa and Sean to bring even more family into our experience. I think about our shenanigans at the Tin Roof and dueling pianos once mom and baby went back to the hotel for the night. I think about the toothy grins, the squeaks, and the babbles coming from the girl propped up in the Baby Bjorn. I think about that same little girl on the plane ride home flirting with the UCLA Men’s Volleyball team during the entire flight.

And again, I don’t typically recommend bringing a toddler across the country. But depending on what’s waiting for you at your destination, the trip might be worth it. Our recent visit to California was certainly worth it.

Casey and Mikey made us feel right at home.

Bonus: Reflecting on “The Reflection”

One year ago today, I declared an ambitious goal to publish 52 “weekly reflections” in 2019.

I was clear on WHY I wanted to do it. In a practical sense, my goal intended to create a system of accountability to routinely practice writing. In a purposeful sense, my goal intended to share joy, meaning, and growth with the people in my life on a weekly basis.

I also had a general idea of WHAT I wanted to accomplish with the blog. Each week, I planned to capture the memories I was experiencing, or share the lessons I was learning in a fun post on social media for whoever was interested in reading (unintentionally my primary demographic became women in their 50s).

Regarding HOW I planned to find the time to do it…well…I had no clue. I didn’t know when I would find the time or mental energy to write something worth sharing each week. Amidst the job, the MBA classes, the CFP studies, the housework, the parenting, the busy social schedule, and the Sunday hangovers, it was a weekly challenge and often an obligation.

But with all of these things going on, and each week spilling into the next, a special year of my life could’ve flown by in a blur without taking stock in what it all meant. Now, with 52 weeks of content to skim through, and far more words and ideas that were written but never got published, I get to relive the memories and the emotions that I felt throughout the year. And in a bonus reflection, I want to share some of 2019’s best sounds and sights with you one last time.

When I think of 2019, I hear the following sounds: Hakuna Matata sung on a Broadway stage. The crackling of a homemade fire. The 2 am piercing cry from a swaddled burrito in a bassinet. The 6 am bounce of a basketball and relentless banter at Morning Hoops. The slapping of wooden sticks and crisp “tsssk-Pop” of a Miller Lite can echoing off of the frozen pond. The heartwarming giggle of a baby’s first laugh. A CFP review podcast teaching me about life insurance or social security or estate planning while walking Charlie in the warm Florida sun.

I hear the announcement that Jordan qualified for “Inner Circle.” 30 dudes singing “Old Town Road” at Tootsies during the ultimate Nashville Bachelor Party. A Viennese orchestra playing Mozart at the Kursalon. A curious “cooing” sound through the monitor speakers as a little girl starts her day and tries to make sense of her new world. The pop of a tennis ball machine and the metallic “clang” of a bad mis-hit as I attempt to get my game back on track. A baby splashing around and subsequently melting down in the waves of Margate and Sea Isle for the first time. A chorus of our friends singing “Piano Man” to conclude each epic wedding night.

I hear Father Joel confirming Brigitte and I as Leila’s Godparents. Cats whining and scratching the couch at 4 in the morning…wait, maybe not. The infectious melody of “Baby Shark Doo-doo-doo-doo” and Charlie’s other favorite songs. My final staff meeting as a leader in Vanguard’s Personal Advisor Services and my first few shaky sales calls to Registered Investment Advisors in my new role. The intimate and thoughtful personalized vows shared by our favorite couples at the altar. The sound of wine pouring in the glass or popcorn popping in the microwave once Charlie goes to sleep. Charlie giggling on the swings at the park or babbling from the stroller on the street. A room filled with friends and family singing Happy Birthday to the best thing in my life. Conversations with old friends at a 10 year reunion. That beautiful sound when a baby’s cry goes silent and becomes a soft, peaceful snore. The conversation on Thanksgiving night about what everyone is truly grateful for. Jordan practicing piano in the other room. Leila and Charlie screaming on Santa’s lap. Wrapping paper crumpling on Christmas morning or caroling with Uncle Joe or bartering with family in the White Elephant arena. A solo cup flipping and a champagne cork popping on New Year’s Eve. And finally, my daughter saying, “I luh yew, Dada” for the first time.

And when I think of 2019, I saw the following things: A newborn baby turn into a little girl with her own hilarious, adorable, and stubborn personality. Jordan carrying Debbie Bonder’s torch, and becoming a world class mother and hostess. Four seasons transitioning through our kitchen bay window each morning as we sipped on coffee and Charlie chomped on Cheerios. My parents becoming our go-to couple. My friends experiencing some special life changes and significant milestones with new marriages and new houses and new babies on the way, but despite all of the change, staying as close as ever. Loved ones going through serious challenges and difficult circumstances, but never wavering in what truly matters. A little girl doing an excited stutter step whenever I’d walk into her room in the morning, or hurdle over her friends to greet me at the door when I picked her up from daycare. The joy of bath time. My wife keeping my heart full and this house running on a daily basis. Enchanting castles in Austria. My one sister raising a child while the other one built a life in LA. CFP letters added to my name. A mentor committing 110% to my personal development. And finally, I saw myself grow from a kid that’s having a kid to a guy named “Dad.”

I might have heard these sounds in 2019 without a blog, but the reflection helped me listen. And I might have seen these things in 2019 without the weekly posts, but the reflection opened my eyes. The reflection allowed me to grasp how the little things connect to the big things and how important those big things really are. As Ferris Bueller says, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” I may never and probably will never have another year like 2019, so I’m glad I captured almost every part of it. And I’m grateful that you were along for the journey.

So as we head into 2020, I can’t just stop the reflection cold turkey. The sights and sounds are just too damn good. However, to sustain the quality and my sanity (well actually Jordan’s sanity), I’ll be switching the frequency to monthly. 12 is more manageable than 52.

So cheers to another year of joy, meaning, and growth. Can’t wait to see what 2020 holds for all of us.

52: The day after Christmas

’Twas the day after Christmas, and what a day to reflect.

If you bet that we’d wear matching jammies, your bet was correct.

The Holiday season flew by with our family and friends,

So here’s a little recap before the Holiday ends:

The fun began at Katie and Johnny’s Christmas party last week.

We did “hair cuts” of Rumplemints and sipped on Knob Creek.

Charlie slept all night peacefully on the top floor

While we celebrated with friends like we just turned 24.

Casey and Mikey came home Sunday for a favorite tradition:

Our annual Christmas with the Cruses- Karaoke Edition

With all the food, drinks, and gifts, the fun didn’t stop.

We watched Wentz work his magic while Dallas made drops.

But then as we prepared for our visit from good ole’ Saint Nick

Flu season came roaring and Charlie got sick

There were fevers and coughing, and snot running wild

I learned that hosting Christmas is tougher with a sniffly child

But we powered through the prep with Jordan leading the way

I was working like Donder and Blitzen, while she drove the sleigh

We woke up on Christmas morning and went over to mamas

And Jordan dressed Charlie and I in our matching pajamas

Our travel on Christmas was less than a quarter mile

And Charlie was finally feeling better, the spark was back in her smile

We shared more gifts and drank mimosas, we laughed and had some food

There’s nothing like the morning exchange to elevate the mood

Leila and Charlie played with paper and boxes, which were even better than their toys

Watching those girls on Christmas Day brought me a different kind of joy

As we wrapped up our unwrapping, and threw all our new toys in the sack

There was a party to host at our house, so we had to head on back

Uncle Joe arrived first to our house with his keyboard there in hand

Because what would Christmas ever be without some “Winter Wonderland?”

Our carolers were rough this year, my ears began to flinch

But luckily the boys saved the day with our rendition of “The Grinch”

We concluded with “I’ll be Home for Christmas” over a couple of tears

We all sing it together now since our lead singer’s no longer here

After singing, we filled our plates with ziti and some refilled their cup

Some tuned into the Sixers game and watched Embiid turn things up

We chatted until the white elephant, where things tend to get real

Like, “Do you grab what might be a wine bottle or do you go for the steal?

There’s banter and there’s bargaining, and collusion with your spouse

Like, “How can we exchange this regifted game and get the yoga mat for our house?”

Some trickle out after the exchange, but a few of us keep going

The White Russians, Mad Elf, and Pinot find a way to keep on flowing

After all, Pete turned 40 at midnight, embarking on a whole new set of years

So we took him back to his 20s with a midnight “Fireball” kind of cheers

Oh wow what a Christmas, and what a magical season

It can be a ton of work, but for a very worthy reason

I cherish all the memories we’ve made whether it’s this year or years past

We hold onto the special ones because this lifetime goes by fast

And I know these events are what I signed up for, and will be for all my life

Because the best host I’ve ever met just happens to be my wife

So as I write this on the 26th with Charlie passed out on my chest,

I have to admit that this Christmas for me had to be one of the best

I hope your Holiday was special, filled with love, and joy, and cheer

And stay tuned for next week’s final reflection to recap our fantastic year.

51: My Christmas list

‘Tis the week for many of us to be asked, “What do you want for Christmas this year?”

If you couldn’t come up with a response to that question, you’re not alone. For me, the tangible list of items that I once so easily constructed for Santa, is now nearly impossible to come up with. My former desire for the Iverson jersey, new football, FIFA 2001 video game, Harry Potter book, and new pair of Shaq basketball shoes has been replaced with the newfound interest in experiences, convenience, home improvements, health and wellness, and sentimental feelings. So while I’ll welcome any gift cards, tickets, babysitting coupons, and ok maybe a new coat, here is my official Christmas wish list below:

From Jordan- Continue bringing joy, meaning, and growth to every day of our lives. Also, thanks for being the Varsity parent and showing the JV team (me) how it’s done.

From Charlie- Continue making my heart melt and my belly laugh on a daily basis. Also, stop putting those dirty things in your mouth and getting sent home sick from daycare.

From my family- Continue to be there for good meals, good times, good talks, and a night or ten of Charlie coverage. Also, continue to come by when I need someone to help me stabilize the Christmas tree or resolve the flooding in our basement or just need someone to happy hour with on a Friday night.

From my pets- Continue waking me up early enough so I’m able to get to the gym in the morning. However, please consider waiting until at least 5:15 to begin gnawing at my feet or knocking things off the counters.

From my friends- Continue planning and attending the flurry of events that we fill our calendar with despite all of our life changes and new responsibilities. Also, Charlie wants you to bring on more “new responsibilities” in 2020.

From my sales partner- Continue having my back, helping me develop, and pushing us to the next level. I’m not complaining about the gift card either.

From my colleagues- Continue keeping things fun and loose during the daily grind.

From the Eagles- Beat the Cowboys!

From the Senate- well…you know what I want from you.

The easy part about this list is that I already have most of these things and I don’t really need much else. So if you’re on this list and you haven’t gone shopping yet, save yourself the time and money, and just keep doing what you’re doing. If you give me that, it’ll be a very merry Christmas.

50: Quitting Christmas

“I’m quitting Christmas,” I boldly exclaimed earlier this week.

When I made this protest, I was well aware that ‘tis the season to be jolly and bright and all that. But these past few weeks I’ve been reminded, ‘tis also the season for final projects at Villanova, for getting over fevers and stomach viruses, for grinding to meet numbers at work, for trying to stabilize top heavy Christmas trees with a dinky tree stand, for coming up with original gift ideas, for stringing frozen gutters with lights, and for eating oversized portions…yes, portions is plural.

So, amidst a stressful week, it was easier to cancel the Christmas season and give myself several less things to worry about. No music, no cookies, no lights, no Hallmark channel, and NO matching jammies. Just focus on finishing finals week, close out strong at work, and fight off daycare-borne sicknesses. Sitting this Holiday season out seemed like the best option.

The only problem is that I live in the North Pole with the tinsel twins, Jordo-Claus and our sweet little elf. My merry family wasn’t having it. “Why are you a grinch?” Mrs. Claus asked. I couldn’t come up with a good answer.

The truth is, I love the Holidays themselves. They just usually come at a time that’s extra busy and cold. So I have a choice to make: I can quit Christmas and ruin the cheer for the people around me, or I can get through these extra busy weeks with an extra spring in my step fueled from the joy of the season.

As I considered my decision, I pulled into the driveway and was greeted by the lights twinkling on the front of the house. And then we walked down the streets of West Chester through packed crowds of people lined up for the parade. And then I watched the Conference Championship games with stockings hung by the fireplace. And then I walked through my living room and maneuvered by the big and beautiful tree standing strong in the corner of the room. And then I heard Jordan playing Christmas tunes on the piano. And then we got Charlie and Leila together in their matching Christmas dresses to take pictures with Santa. And with each reminder of spirit, my choice whether to quit Christmas or celebrate it becomes easier and easier.

With 16 days left, I declare December 9 as the day that I retire from the role of Grinch. There is cheer in my cup, and it’s time to embrace the North Pole. Here’s to the merry and the bright. Happy Holidays!

49: Thanksgiving

At about 6:30 pm every Thanksgiving, I look down at my plate and wonder what just happened. In an instant, the food and subsequently the oxygen disappears from the room. I find myself sitting at the table with the people that I love feeling extremely full and even more fulfilled.

Following Jordan’s Thanksgiving masterpiece of a dinner, and just as the Cowboys’ season fell apart, the Bonder crew went around for our annual tradition of saying what we’re thankful for. Nothing we say is all that groundbreaking or unpredictable. In fact, it’s all stuff that’s recognized and goes without saying all year. But there is something powerful about actually stopping and saying the stuff that we all appreciate about each other. Regardless of the ups and downs that we experience throughout the year, the things we appreciate seem to always be the same basic things. And they never get old.

Between the time spent with the Janiec cousins at Jessi and Pete’s during the afternoon, and spending Thursday evening and Friday morning with the Bonders at our house, Thanksgiving never fails to be one of the best times of the year. I would say that I wish Thanksgiving was every day, but I wouldn’t be able to fit into my clothes anymore if that were the case.

So as I digest the turkey and stuffing, and get ready for leftover sandwiches, what/who am I thankful for?

-The best wife, co-parent, and host who has a way of making life, parenthood, and Holidays that much better

-A little girl that gives me that “we just won the Super Bowl feeling” every time I wake her up in the morning or pick her up from daycare

-Parents that make the greatest next door neighbors in the world

-Family that brings me joy, fills me with love, and continues to set a great example for what life is all about

-Friends that have stood the test of time, and a group that continues to get better and better with every new member

-A career that challenges me and has brought me more personal growth than what I knew was possible

-All of the external and uncontrollable variables that have held up for us thus far and have allowed us to keep the good times rolling

Finally, I’m thankful for anyone who reads this. 48 weeks ago when I took on this weekly reflection New Year’s challenge, I was terrified what the reaction to these posts would be, or if there would be any reaction at all. I’ve been pleasantly surprised with the responses that I’ve gotten. It’s been so fun and has meant so much to me to share these experiences, capture these moments, and reflect on these lessons with all of you each week.

So thank you! I loved seeing all of the posts about what you were thankful for this year as well. Hope the day was as special for you as it was for us.

48: 10 Year Reunion

When I think back to high school, my first instinct is to cringe.

I cringe at some of my old AIM screen names like KJdawg28. I cringe at my first rap album, “Clean Sheets” by New Linen. I also cringe at my stylish swishy sweatpants and Senior Year ‘Fro that were later deemed “super-beat.” My lazy approach to schoolwork, the failed and flawed pursuit of relationships, the things I said in class, the meaningless drama, the way we acted on Friday nights, and the things that we thought were funny, cool, and important at the time were all pretty cringe-worthy as well.

But then, after cringing a little, I find myself smiling about the memories. I smile while reminiscing on the late nights with my boys in somebody’s basement playing Madden or “Ping Pong.” I smile when I hear a song from Kanye’s Graduation album and think about the times driving around in Doc’s Volkswagen Rabbit or Ort’s Hyundai Santa Fe. I smile about the fact that we were willing to pay a 200% markup and risk it all for a case of Natty Light. I smile thinking about the ridiculous group project presentations like when Steph and I sang about Rwanda or when Mout and I turned Eli Whitney and the Cotton Gin into a world class Ted Talk or when Amodei Productions almost got us expelled because of our R-Rated Gatsby remake in Mr. Bonds’ class. I smile about the shenanigans in class and in the hallways and in the cafeteria. I smile at the special moments on the soccer field or basketball and tennis courts (or their respective benches). I smile thinking about the dances, the pep rallies, and the student sections. I smile about the times at the beach or on the boardwalk or by the pool. Most of all, I smile thinking about the people that I got to experience it all with along the way.

And now, as I reflect back on my 10 year reunion last night, I feel grateful. Regardless of who we were and how we acted 10+ years ago, high school blessed me great memories, valuable lessons, and best friends. Those memories, lessons, and friends brought on new memories, lessons, and friends through the next 10 years. And those same memories, lessons, and friends have continued to make me more humble, more driven, more understanding, more fulfilled, and more grateful than I was 10 years ago.

Last night’s reunion served as a really fun reminder that whether I see these people weekly or yearly or almost never, it’s always nice to reminisce on where we’ve been, be proud of where we are, and be excited about where we’re all going. It was great to reconnect with people that have been part of my journey in some shape or form along the way. And I was grateful that we did far more smiling than cringing last night.

Big thanks to Katie for setting it up. Can’t wait for the next one. Happy Thanksgiving!

(sorry in advance for the pictures below)

47: Know when to say “No”

Turning things down has never been my thing. Saying “Yes” has just always seemed more appealing. It’s largely why my college roommates nicknamed me the “Yes Man.” It’s also why my Pop Pop jokingly changed my name from “Kevin” to “Kave-in.” But this weekend, I learned how to put my foot down. I finally discovered how to say “No.” And while it wasn’t easy, I’m glad I did.

To set the scene, my friends rent an Air B&B in State College for a Penn State football weekend every year. During the weekend, we relive our glory days with big tailgates, our favorite college bars, and hopefully a solid win. After Jordan and I missed out on the past two years because of our honeymoon in 2017 and the close proximity to Charlie’s due date in 2018, I was determined to make the trip this year.

So when my buddy Chris, who organizes the event, reached out in February asking whether we were joining the Penn State trip, Jordan and I gave conflicting answers. As she texted Chris “You should probably count us out at this point,” I simultaneously responded “Definitely in! Can’t wait!” I planned on going no matter what.

Sure, the Indiana game in mid-November could be too cold for a 1 year old, but we’d figure something out with a hat, mittens, and her new Nittany Lion costume. And sure, the group’s plan to “hit the bars” following the tailgate didn’t bode well for a toddler without a fake id, but we’d make it work. And sure, 3 hour car trips become much longer when your passenger doesn’t like being in a car seat for more than 3 minutes, but we would be patient and make a memory of it. Despite conventional wisdom suggesting my plan was flawed, I finally convinced Jordan to go by suggesting that the trip would be my birthday present.

Nevertheless, when Jordan and I woke up the morning before the trip with sore throats and achey muscles, we had a problem. We figured the soreness would go away with some Tylenol. And it did. Temporarily. But then that afternoon it felt like we had all been hit by Uncle Joe’s RV. Before we knew it, there were 3 Janiecs with 3 fevers. So with a heavy heart and an elevated temperature, I notified my friends that we had to bail from the trip just hours before we were supposed to leave.

To be clear, 3 common colds wouldn’t have stopped us. And being completely honest, if Charlie and Jordan were the only sick ones, I may have pointed them to the Chicken Noodle Soup and hightailed it by myself to Happy Valley. But with three fevers, I had to say no.

From the pictures, videos, and conversations with the crew, the Penn State weekend looked like a great time with great people in a great place. At some points in the weekend my FOMO hurt worse than the actual muscle aches and sore throat. But in the end, I’m happy with our decision.

Because we said “No,” Jordan, Charlie, and I got to hit the reset button, got some much needed rest, and enjoyed quality time with each other at home. We were bored, but also content and warm and relaxed. And when we woke up on Sunday, we felt much better than we did on Friday, which is something I could never accomplish in all of my years at Penn State. We left the weekend with a clean house, clean inbox, and clean bill of health.

I also realized the importance of learning how to to say “no.” It’s a powerful word. While “yes” creates opportunity, “no” creates space. While yes makes us busy, no keeps us focused on what really matters. Yes causes stress and no requires patience. A healthy balance of the two is the key. To this point, “the Yes Man” has been a one trick pony. By making the responsible decision and passing on this weekend, albeit several months after saying yes, it allowed for restored presence, clarity, and health in a time where work, school, the to do list, and the Holidays are all coming to a head. I recognized that the occasional space is critical to my well being.

Although this time it took me 3 fevers to finally say no, I think I’ve gotten the hang of it. With my newfound skill, I’m prepared to create more space. I just have to wait until after the next 50 events that I’ve already committed to.

How about you? As you enter this week, how will you create more space in your life? What will you thank yourself later for saying no to now?